Friday Chats w/ Vlad - April 18th, 2025 (Part 1 & 2)

Hey, It's Vlad. I'm sure that unless you avoid social media like a sloth avoids a deadline, you've heard the so-called news about the dire wolf "de-extinction". I was very suspicious when I was told about this and I knew people visiting the center would be asking questions like, "Can I pet one?" or "Do they come in Diredoodle?" Consequently, I took a deep dive into this topic. Researchers tell us that dire wolves diverged from other canids close to 5 million years ago. No one knows exactly what they looked like, as only skeletons remain, but researchers believe they looked somewhat similar to grey wolves only bigger...Think wolf on steroids. So imagine my surprise when I read a paper published in 2021 that suggested their closest living ancestor was African jackals. As I was reading this, I was also watching a science fiction TV program about some animals that caught a virus that rewrote their DNA which caused them to de-evolve into earlier versions of their species. I briefly had a terrifying thought about what would happen if our Jackals, Shaka, Zuri and Nala, started to de-evolve into dire wolves. I mean they have been looking a bit "beefy" lately. And not "needs a salad" beefy, but "might bench press a Subaru" beefy. I brushed off those thoughts and went to bed.

Come morning time, I still felt unsettled. I kept going through different contingencies as to what we would do if the Jackals became Dire Wolves. I pulled out my copy of The New England Journal of Cryptozoology to see if this was possible. I found that the DNA of individual cells does mutate, but there have been no reports of the genome changing in every cell. What I found stunning however, is nowhere did it say it was impossible...so stunning in fact that I dropped my goat milk latte...which is a shame cause those things cost a fortune. My thoughts started to race. I recalled a conversation I overheard the Jackals having a few days ago. Zuri asked Shaka what he wanted for dinner and I thought he replied, "grilled mastodon would really hit the spot". At the time I figured I just heard it wrong, but now I'm not so sure.

Before I alerted everyone and caused a panic, I needed to make sure I was right. The last thing I wanted to do was repeat an incident from last year where I evacuated the center because I thought Yuri was constructing a WMD. It turned out he was just assembling a snow cone machine he purchased from QVC, in my defense it looked very suspicious.

The only way to ease my mind was to personally confront them. So l packed up my ninja throwing stars, in case things got ugly, and made my way down to the jackal enclosure.

I was greeted by Nala who said

"how's it going Vlad, long time no see". Not being one to beat around the bush I said "are you guys turning into Dire Wolves?" She looked at me for a long moment, too long, like the kind of pause that happens in movies right before the aliens vaporize the pentagon.

Then she

sighed and said "what in blue blazes would make you think that". Just then Shaka and Zuri strutted up chewing on what might have been Kale or possibly the fibrous remains of a woolly rhino. I gripped my throwing stars tightly. Nala then said "your not gonna believe this guys but Vlad thinks we're turning into Dire Wolves. I said "if you're not then what's with the muscles"? "Two words" exclaimed Zuri "cross fit". Shaka then stepped in like a PhD ready to give a TED talk and said

"I think I know what's going on here, you've been reading the 2021 paper titled, Dire wolves were the last of an ancient New World canid lineage, haven't you Vlad?" | nodded and said "I had". "Well that's old news Vlad, check out the new paper On the ancestry and evolution of the extinct dire wolf. It suggests the closest living relative of Dire Wolves are actually Grey Wolves". I told Shaka how relieved I was to hear this. A sense of calm washed over me like a big weighted blanket but it was short lived. My thoughts turned to Lucan, our resident grey wolf. Sweet guy. Loves enrichment time and once tried to eat a wheel barrow.

So now, I have a new worry. What if Lucan de-evolves into a Dire Wolf? Of course he will be a dire #dorkwolf but just to be safe I should probably search Amazon for some titanium tipped tranquilizer darts.

Vlad out.

Friday Chats w/ Vlad - April 4th, 2025

Hey, it's Vlad. Once again, I am generously taking time out of my grueling schedule of napping, staring ominously into the distance, and judging you to bring you a fan favorite: Mailbag Day!

Now, last time, tragedy struck. I suffered-brace yourself-a paper cut.

On my paw. Did I cry? No. Did I seek medical attention? Also no, because as a leader, I must remain stoic even in the face of certain doom. But because I am also wise, I have taken precautions. Today, I will not be opening the letters myself. Instead, I have appointed a volunteer. Let's call him "Matt." Is that his real name? Maybe. Maybe not. His identity must be protected in case this operation goes horribly wrong, which given that his only qualification is "owns a letter opener" seems likely.

Alright, Matt, let's have the first letter. And calm down. You're sweating and gripping that letter opener like you're about to duel a dragon. Just relax. And whatever you do, don't stab yourself. The nearest urgent care is 20 minutes away, and I refuse to explain how you lost a battle with stationery.

The first letter reads "Dear Vlad, I visited the center, and you wouldn't even look at me... do you hate me? Signed, Lonely in Louisville."

Ah, Lonely, I have many responsibilities and am continually pulled in different directions. If you feel ignored, I apologize. However, if you were the person who threw an acorn and hit me square on the temple

—yes. I do in fact hate you.

Next letter:

"Dear Mr. Vlad, What's your favorite color? Signed, Timmy, Age 7."

Ah, Timmy. While I appreciate your inquiry into my aesthetic preferences reducing the glorious spectrum of visual perception to a single favorite is like asking Pavoratti about his favorite note.

However, if someone had a letter opener to my head I would say it would be a series of russet tones mixed with silver black hues. A sophisticated, elegant color. It's a color I call Vlad.

And with that, we must end because Matt, drunk on early success, nearly sliced his own jugular.

And my stipend will not cover his deductible.

Vlad out.

#MailbagDay #FoxWisdom #MattIsAtRisk #TheColorVlad

#DontThrowAcorns

Friday Chats w/ Vlad - March 21st, 2025

Hey it's Vlad, the most magnificent fox at JABCECC. My brilliance, charm, and dazzling fur are unmatched. One might even call me King Vlad the Magnificent, Lord of the Manor, Duke of the Dookie. But today, I write not as a king-but as a victim. A victim of the Flirt Pole.

For those of you who do not know of this device, it consists of a stick with a string attached to it. At the end of the string is a fuzzy toy designed to simulate a prey item. It is pretty convincing other than the large label that says made in China.

While many claim this device is

used for enrichment, I am convinced its true purpose is to make foxes question their dignity.

It all began on a deceptively peaceful morning. I was lounging atop my platform, surveying my domain. The air was crisp, the leaves golden, and the pungent scent of dorkwolf hung in the air.

Then, staff

members appeared, moving purposefully toward our enclosure. One of them held it-the dreaded Flirt Pole.

I urged my fellow Ambassadors to remain calm. We are dignified creatures. We would not engage. But before I could even finish my sentence, the pole flicked, and what followed was a disgrace to foxkind.

Yuri launched himself forward like an over-caffeinated kangaroo, flailing and shrieking in a manner that defies description. Lena, in the middle of extracting a piece of kibble from between her teeth, snapped into attack mode. Leika, naturally high-strung, became a whirling ninja of chaos. And me? I must have blacked out. One moment, I was standing there, a noble creature of cunning and self-control. The next, I'm told I was airborne, screaming, in what can only described as a tornado of limbs, teeth, and regret.

As quickly as it started it was over. The Staff departed and us foxes were left lying on the ground, exhausted...questioning our life choices.

Vlad out.

#chatwithvlad #foxes #flirtpole# #jabcecc #bucketlist

Friday Chats w/ Vlad - March 8th, 2025

Hey, it's Vlad. It's official-snow day at the center.

Naturally, I declared martial law and appointed myself Supreme Snow Commander.

My first decree? All work activities canceled. My second decree? Mandatory frolicking and peeing in the snow. This was going great until Yuri violated the sacred rule: Don't eat yellow snow. Frolicking was immediately suspended.

Next, we attempted a classic snowball fight. We divided into teams and scouted tactical positions. Only then did I realize a critical flaw-opposable thumbs are actually quite important in making snowballs. Our snowballs looked more like ice frisbees. They flew well but, unfortunately, caused somewhat

excessive damage. Lena took a hit to the neck from Sergei, flew into a rage, and bludgeoned him with a food bowl. Snowball fight? Canceled.

Naturally, we moved on to sledding-what could go wrong? I distributed Krispy Kreme boxes (acquired through questionable means from Yuri). Flattened, they made perfect fox-sized sleds. To demonstrate proper form, I climbed to the top of the platform, launched myself down the ramp, did a somersault, and stuck the landing like the majestic creature I am. Of course, the others decided this wasn't extreme enough. They began brainstorming "enhancements" —namely, riding dorkwolf Lucan down the ramp. While Lucan might've been willing, the potential for catastrophic injury was... high. Sledding? Also canceled.

We returned to snow frolicking, with Laika assigned as Yuri's official chaperone. Things were peaceful-until the sun came out. Operation Snow Shenanigans quickly transformed into Mud Madness 2025, and let's just say... I have mud in places I didn't know I had places.

Vlad out.

Friday Chats w/ Vlad - February 21st, 2025

Hey, it's Vlad. As many of you know I am currently residing in Southern California. We have something here called a Mediterranean Climate, which sounds kind of fancy and sophisticated but the reality is quite different. The Mediterranean climate means two things. Summers that, unless you live near the coast, actively try to kill you, and winters that are hopelessly confused and possibly drunk. Rain is illegal for at least six months of the year, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, the sky decides to make up for lost time by dumping an entire ocean on your head over the course of a single afternoon. This schizophrenic weather makes it difficult for us foxes to know whether we should be growing a bushy coat or shedding. Invariably, after a stretch of cool weather we put on our winter coats only to be hoodwinked by our so called winter... By noon it's 85 degrees and the sun is trying to roast our soul. Our full coats now feel like little fuzzy prisons. Of course if we decide to shed, winter will remember it's supposed to exist and turn us into vulpine popsicles.

The reason I'm mentioning this is we just had our first significant rainfall and I can't say I'm very happy about it. Normally people here are fairly pragmatic about the torrential rains. They say things like "I was sitting in my living room watching QVC when the rain soaked hill behind the house starting sliding towards me like a giant brown tsunami of doom. The next thing I know I'm standing in three feet of mud with my chipoodle Pepe hoisted above my head, wondering what the heck just happened...but we really needed the rain". I'm not nearly as accepting of this meteorological menace. The reason being, I work hard to look my best for our guests and when it rains like this I look like an extra large sewer rat. After the downpour I was making my way across my enclosure and had to wade through a large puddle. I overheard a small child say to their father,"that's a cute otter daddy"....quite humiliating.

In all honesty though, we really did need the rain.

Vlad out

Friday Chat w/ Vlad - February 7th, 2025

Hey, it's Vlad. Greetings my fellow earthlings. I'm sure everyone reading this knows that l'm a fox, but it is also clearly evident that I am not your "run of the mill" fox. I mean sure I have the requisite pointy ears, the bushy tail…..you know, the whole nine yards but that's where comparisons to normal foxes end. Now when I say this, many might think I am talking about my fiendishly good looks but that is not the case. It really is all my special talents that set me apart from the others. Many of these talents come naturally, but others are the result of hard work and dedication. While my fellow ambassadors play in the mud and chase their tails, I am always focused on self-betterment. It's the least I can do as "a global emissary of vulpine understanding."

The other day I was preparing the others for a day of encounters with the public. I was just going over the normal stuff...you know, "Yuri wipe the icing off your face". "Sergei, I know we have a policy for guests not to wear open toed shoes but if somebody wears them it is not a license to nibble". At any rate I overheard one of our guests talking about how great Pilates was for increasing core strength and gaining flexibility. As soon as I heard that, as the perpetual self improver, I knew this was for me. Flexibility and high core strength seemed like important attributes for a fox intent on world domination.

I immediately put in a request with management for a yoga mat, but it was promptly denied...something about the risk of intestinal obstructions if someone were to chew it and ingest it. My first thought was what kind of dimwit is going to ingest a yoga mat. My second thought was, that's right, I live with a bunch of dimwits. This setback did not deter me as you can plainly see by my first picture. I can be seen demonstrating a Pilates position for some visitors. Can you see my core being fully activated? The second picture has really nothing to do with Pilates but l'm looking so outrageously handsome it would be a crime not to show it.

Vlad out

Friday Chat w/ Vlad - January 24th, 2025

Hey, it's Vlad. Welcome to my second chat of

2025. As you well know, it is my job here at the Judith A Bassett Canid Education and Conservation center to make sure everything runs as smoothly as a buttered otter on a slip and slide. When it does not it is my duty to report on it. So today I will be telling you about my fellow ambassador's dismal failures in adhering to their New Year's resolutions.

I'm sure it comes as a shock to no one that first I will be discussing Yuri... You know, Mr. new year new me. Well he made a resolution to give up sweets. For the record Yuri isn't exactly known for his will power. As a matter of fact Yuri is to will power as a neutered cat is to testicles.

Everyone thought Yuri was doing great until we started to question whether bear claw aroma could stay on one's breath for a week. I found Yuri's day planner and it was all the evidence I need to see that he failed. He had the days of the week marked as follows. Macaroon Monday, Turnover Tuesday, Waffle Wednesday, Think I'll have a Bear Claw Thursday, Fritter Friday, S'more Saturday, and of course Sundae Sunday. When I confronted Yuri about this he just said he was carb loading for an upcoming marathon. Yuri in a marathon??? As they say when pigs fly.

Then there is Lucan. He made a resolution to be more conscientious about his grooming and more particularly his bodily aromas. Guest have on occasion likened his smell to that of a wet Sasquatch. How our guests know what a wet Sasquatch smells like I have no idea. Anyway Lucan resolved to be more cooperative about his baths and resist that urge to scent roll in every funky substance he can find. By the way, many of the funky substances he makes him self. He started out the new year with a bath but it was soon evident that either the bath did not take or he "refunkified" himself as we once again had people saying we were keeping a Bigfoot on the premises.

I do want to give a shout out to Maksa who resolved to work on her fitness. Thus far she is still feeling the burn.

Vlad out.

Friday Chat w/ Vlad - January 10, 2025

Hey, it’s Vlad. Happy New year everybody. I would love to be able to gift you an emotionally uplifting story for our first chat of the year, but alas, that is not to be. I feel compelled to discuss a tale of dread and despair. Yes my friends, it’s about going back to work after the holidays.

Now for me it’s not work per se that’s the problem. You see I’m a 24/7 365 workhorse. The problem for me is how my fellow ambassadors deal with the end of the holiday season. Clearly I work with a bunch of slackers, this is a well documented fact. I’m sure plenty of you feel the same way about your coworkers. It’s ok, you can admit it. The thing is my slackers have spent the last two weeks living in the alternative reality where productivity is just an evil myth and they are hesitant to give up this delusion, so of course it is a bit distressing for me…the aforementioned workhorse. The thing is, I’m used to being disappointed by my unmotivated coworkers, so that’s not even the worst part of dealing with them after the holidays. It’s more about having to listen to them profess that they will live up to their potential this year, put the extra in extraordinary…basically be more like me.

Take Yuri for instance, he comes prancing into my sleeping quarters at 5 am on New Year’s morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and that bushy tail was wagging a mile a minute. It was like he was channeling an over caffeinated squirrel. I knew full well however, caffeine was not responsible for this borderline manic demeanor. You see Yuri rang in the new year with his favorite treats and was still riding a sugar high from bear claws with eggnog chasers. I could tell because he still had crumbs of pastry intermixed with his fur and drips of eggnog running down his chin.

So he runs up to me and says “what do you think Vladdy? New year, new me”. Yuri’s sucrose fueled enthusiasm was just a bit much for at this early hour. I said “it’s great you want to BE all you can BE, but can you please BE elsewhere”. Yuri was undeterred. “Come on buddy” Yuri exclaimed, and then plopped himself on the ground next to me, “this is the year we chase our dreams, the new year is about fresh starts, positivity, resolutions…what’s your resolution Vlad”. I said “well Yuri, how about I just resolve to not give you a thorough mauling and we call it a day.

Don’t get me wrong, I applaud Yuri’s burst of enthusiasm. It’s cute, in a “please stop” kind of way. Unfortunately, I know full well as soon as his blood sugar crashes he will go right back to living by his old credo, why do today what I can pretend to do tomorrow.

Vlad out

Friday Chat w/ Vlad - December 13, 2024

Hey, it’s Vlad. I’ve got a very exciting announcement to make today. For the first time ever, I will be giving away a limited edition, highly coveted Vladiator T-shirt. This is a must have item that says you are committed to canid conservation, while at the same time telling the world you are someone to be reckoned with and incredibly fashionable. All you need to do in order to enter a drawing for a chance to win this item of immeasurable value, is to like this post and then in the comments say why you are so happy to be a Vladiator. We will even ship it to you, on me, to anywhere in the continental US. Easy Peasy… Can you imagine how proud you will be to walk down the street outfitted in this piece of wearable art. You will truly be the envy of all your friends.

This contest is also open to members of Yuri’s fan club, the Yurithras. Although in all honesty, I can’t say his fan club has gotten much traction. As far as I know, his only members are a group of astronomers with overactive bladders who call themselves “tinkle tinkle little star” and some people from the Southern Wisconsin Integrated Network of Eccentric Fox Loving Urologists…although you probably know them by their acronym “SWINE FLU”. Oh, and I think the Yurithras might also have a member named Bruce who resides in Pee Pee Creek Ohio.

At any rate, come one come all…even if your favorite fan club worships a “gravitationally advantaged”, happy go lucky chap with a raging sugar addiction and a name that rhymes with curry. Us Vladiators are quite inclusive. One thing I will ask of the winner is to send us a picture of yourself wearing your newest prized possession so we can let the world know what a true Vladiator looks like. The shirt is presently available in either Large or Medium. As I’m sure you can imagine we have trouble keeping these on the shelves because simply put…I’m a pretty big deal. Best of luck

Vlad out.

Friday Chat w/ Vlad - November 29, 2024

Hey, it’s Vlad. I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving and has plenty to be thankful for. Personally I count my blessings everyday that I was brought out of Russia and now live in the USA where I can say and do what I want. I am very thankful to call JABCECC my home and that I never had to live at a fur farm. I hear stories about the horrors of such places from Vinnie, Mae, Clara and Sakari and find it hard to believe such places still exist. Of course I am very thankful to have such dedicated fans as the Vladiators. I mean who wouldn’t want a group of people who worship me and hang on my every word as though they they are some utterings of divine origin. Occasionally we have Vladiators stop by the center and the esteem in which they hold me is immediately apparent. Their visceral reactions upon seeing me in the flesh are quite touching. Perhaps the thing I am most thankful for this year is that I was not selected for the wearing of the turkey feathers.

It’s somewhat of a tradition here at JABCECC that one of us ambassadors gets to wear the turkey feathers to mark the beginning of the holiday season. I say “gets to” because everyone thinks it a real honor to get selected to do this. That is everyone except me. I find it far to undignified for someone of my stature to engage in such folly. This year we held an anonymous vote to decide who would flaunt the fowl feathers. I think everyone knew how miserable I would have made their lives if they chose me so consequently the “honor” was bestowed elsewhere. It’s my great pleasure to announce JABCECC’s turkey of the year…Yuri

Vlad out.