Hey, It's Vlad. I'm sure that unless you avoid social media like a sloth avoids a deadline, you've heard the so-called news about the dire wolf "de-extinction". I was very suspicious when I was told about this and I knew people visiting the center would be asking questions like, "Can I pet one?" or "Do they come in Diredoodle?" Consequently, I took a deep dive into this topic. Researchers tell us that dire wolves diverged from other canids close to 5 million years ago. No one knows exactly what they looked like, as only skeletons remain, but researchers believe they looked somewhat similar to grey wolves only bigger...Think wolf on steroids. So imagine my surprise when I read a paper published in 2021 that suggested their closest living ancestor was African jackals. As I was reading this, I was also watching a science fiction TV program about some animals that caught a virus that rewrote their DNA which caused them to de-evolve into earlier versions of their species. I briefly had a terrifying thought about what would happen if our Jackals, Shaka, Zuri and Nala, started to de-evolve into dire wolves. I mean they have been looking a bit "beefy" lately. And not "needs a salad" beefy, but "might bench press a Subaru" beefy. I brushed off those thoughts and went to bed.
Come morning time, I still felt unsettled. I kept going through different contingencies as to what we would do if the Jackals became Dire Wolves. I pulled out my copy of The New England Journal of Cryptozoology to see if this was possible. I found that the DNA of individual cells does mutate, but there have been no reports of the genome changing in every cell. What I found stunning however, is nowhere did it say it was impossible...so stunning in fact that I dropped my goat milk latte...which is a shame cause those things cost a fortune. My thoughts started to race. I recalled a conversation I overheard the Jackals having a few days ago. Zuri asked Shaka what he wanted for dinner and I thought he replied, "grilled mastodon would really hit the spot". At the time I figured I just heard it wrong, but now I'm not so sure.
Before I alerted everyone and caused a panic, I needed to make sure I was right. The last thing I wanted to do was repeat an incident from last year where I evacuated the center because I thought Yuri was constructing a WMD. It turned out he was just assembling a snow cone machine he purchased from QVC, in my defense it looked very suspicious.
The only way to ease my mind was to personally confront them. So l packed up my ninja throwing stars, in case things got ugly, and made my way down to the jackal enclosure.
I was greeted by Nala who said
"how's it going Vlad, long time no see". Not being one to beat around the bush I said "are you guys turning into Dire Wolves?" She looked at me for a long moment, too long, like the kind of pause that happens in movies right before the aliens vaporize the pentagon.
Then she
sighed and said "what in blue blazes would make you think that". Just then Shaka and Zuri strutted up chewing on what might have been Kale or possibly the fibrous remains of a woolly rhino. I gripped my throwing stars tightly. Nala then said "your not gonna believe this guys but Vlad thinks we're turning into Dire Wolves. I said "if you're not then what's with the muscles"? "Two words" exclaimed Zuri "cross fit". Shaka then stepped in like a PhD ready to give a TED talk and said
"I think I know what's going on here, you've been reading the 2021 paper titled, Dire wolves were the last of an ancient New World canid lineage, haven't you Vlad?" | nodded and said "I had". "Well that's old news Vlad, check out the new paper On the ancestry and evolution of the extinct dire wolf. It suggests the closest living relative of Dire Wolves are actually Grey Wolves". I told Shaka how relieved I was to hear this. A sense of calm washed over me like a big weighted blanket but it was short lived. My thoughts turned to Lucan, our resident grey wolf. Sweet guy. Loves enrichment time and once tried to eat a wheel barrow.
So now, I have a new worry. What if Lucan de-evolves into a Dire Wolf? Of course he will be a dire #dorkwolf but just to be safe I should probably search Amazon for some titanium tipped tranquilizer darts.
Vlad out.