Hey, it's Vlad. Once again, I am generously taking time out of my grueling schedule of napping, staring ominously into the distance, and judging you to bring you a fan favorite: Mailbag Day!
Now, last time, tragedy struck. I suffered-brace yourself-a paper cut.
On my paw. Did I cry? No. Did I seek medical attention? Also no, because as a leader, I must remain stoic even in the face of certain doom. But because I am also wise, I have taken precautions. Today, I will not be opening the letters myself. Instead, I have appointed a volunteer. Let's call him "Matt." Is that his real name? Maybe. Maybe not. His identity must be protected in case this operation goes horribly wrong, which given that his only qualification is "owns a letter opener" seems likely.
Alright, Matt, let's have the first letter. And calm down. You're sweating and gripping that letter opener like you're about to duel a dragon. Just relax. And whatever you do, don't stab yourself. The nearest urgent care is 20 minutes away, and I refuse to explain how you lost a battle with stationery.
The first letter reads "Dear Vlad, I visited the center, and you wouldn't even look at me... do you hate me? Signed, Lonely in Louisville."
Ah, Lonely, I have many responsibilities and am continually pulled in different directions. If you feel ignored, I apologize. However, if you were the person who threw an acorn and hit me square on the temple
—yes. I do in fact hate you.
Next letter:
"Dear Mr. Vlad, What's your favorite color? Signed, Timmy, Age 7."
Ah, Timmy. While I appreciate your inquiry into my aesthetic preferences reducing the glorious spectrum of visual perception to a single favorite is like asking Pavoratti about his favorite note.
However, if someone had a letter opener to my head I would say it would be a series of russet tones mixed with silver black hues. A sophisticated, elegant color. It's a color I call Vlad.
And with that, we must end because Matt, drunk on early success, nearly sliced his own jugular.
And my stipend will not cover his deductible.
Vlad out.
#MailbagDay #FoxWisdom #MattIsAtRisk #TheColorVlad
#DontThrowAcorns