Hey, it’s Vlad. “All right Mr. Dimitri, I’m ready for my close up”..LOL. Let me explain, Dimitri was taking some pictures and I was messing with him. He said I needed some good promo shots. I told him that should be easy cause “I’m really, really ridiculously good-looking”. He just looked at me and said “do you understand the words that are coming out of your mouth” I told him “Frankly Dima, I don’t give a damn”. That seemed to infuriate Dimitri as he told me I wasn’t a team player. He went on to say “we are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided.” Well I certainly was not going to be lectured to by Dima. I said “what we have here is a failure to communicate”. I do more for the center than any four of you combined and no one has yet to “show me the money”. Dima apologized and said that’s the point of these pictures, to promote you so we can bring in donations to the center…to make you big. I then told him “I am big, it’s the pictures that got small. Dimitri was clearly getting frustrated cause he said “ok Vlad, I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse. Fine Dima, “go ahead, make my day”. He said If you let me take these pictures, including one where you wear this JABCECC bag to promote our merch, “you’ll have a friend in me”. “Exsqueeze me” Dima…you want me to wear a purse? He said , “It’s not a man purse.” Vlad “It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.” Nope Dima. “Hasta la vista, baby.” Dima then said. Come back Vlad, don’t make me grab you. “Keep your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty fox”. Dimitri then tried to get me back and offered anything as long as I wasn’t too greedy. I told him “Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.” Dima then offered to do my chores for a week to which I said “I’ll be back”. We took the pictures after which Dimitri said he was really sorry for the conflict. I told him it was ok cause “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” We then started talking about our favorite ice cream flavors “but that’s a tale for another time”….”may the force be with you”.
Vlad out.
Friday Chat w/ Vlad - November 1, 2024
Hey, it’s Vlad. What up my foxy fans? It’s finally starting to feel like winter is around the corner. After a summer that was so hot the cows around here were giving evaporated milk, the cooler weather is a welcome relief.
I was just in the middle of having some glamour shots done for my chat, when Yuri, our resident clown, steps into my shot and photo bombs me. Obviously I had to give him a bit of a tongue lashing for this transgression. The good thing about Yuri though is when it gets real cold, snuggling up to him is like pressing against a big furry hot water bottle on account of his copious amounts of…how do I put this sensitively…”insulation”. You know, kind of like how a walrus has a lot of “insulation”.
This comfortable weather came none to soon as we have so much going on here. Next week there is a group of people from Amazon coming by to help us get some projects finished. Just to be clear, when I say Amazon I’m taking about the company not the rain forest. So we won’t be having members of the Amazonian Yanomami tribe coming out. You know, the ones who spend their days growing bananas and weaving fishing baskets. It will however be some 20 somethings from Ontario CA. who spend their days days shipping you that portable glow in the dark neck fan you impulse bought after drinking one to many slippery nipples and now you wonder how you ever lived without it. Anyway, all of the Amazon distribution centers are given a nickname of an animal. The JABCECC was adopted by the warehouse named “the fox”. I am hoping Jeff Bezos comes out with them as I have some ideas for his rocket engines to run by him. That’s right, along with my other amazing talents I am a rocket scientist,
We also have our fall pet and paint coming up. The subject this time is a Wolf. Lucan/Dorkwolf will be on hand to judge the various paintings, although we can’t guarantee he won’t try to eat them…it’s just how he rolls. I’m sure everyone will be clamoring to paint my likeness, but they’ll have to understand on account of my popularity there are certain contractual considerations on using my image. Until next time.
Vlad out
Friday Chat w/Vlad - October 18, 2024
Hey, it’s Vlad. As you all know, it’s my job here to keep everyone safe and productive. Sometimes I feel like a shepherd, just keeping an eye on my flock of sheep. It can be extremely exhausting, but I feel there is no reason to fret about my lot in life. Instead I just use my experiences to get my creative juices flowing. As such I wrote a little poem for your enjoyment. I hope you like it.
In a glen where the grasses do sway,
I’m Vlad the fox, leading the way.
I’m the shepherd, or so I believe,
My five furry friends will follow me, but perhaps I’m naive.
First there is Yuri, a devotee of buttery creams
He munches on treats and has sugary dreams.
“Come on, Yuri! Stay focused on me!”
But he’s lost in croissants and crullers, it’s really something to see.
Then Lena, the clever one, puzzles dance in her eyes.
“Come think like a fox Vlad, we need to strategize”
But I’m too busy herding, to heed her call
I’ll leave it to you, to solve it all.
Laika’s a whirlwind, so wild and so free,
“Let’s chase the moon!” she shouts with great glee.
I try to keep up, but she’s off in a flash,
While I’m left behind, with a case of whiplash
Sergei’s my buddy, with sweetness to spare,
How he shares treats and stories, a true friend who cares.
Here, Vlad, have a snack!” he offers with glee,
Because I’m a fox with a treat, I let out some pee
Then there’s Sasha, the queen of the lazy,
While we all run and jump, she just lounges, a bit hazy.
“Why rush?” she’ll yawn, sprawled out on the grass,
I wish I could join her, but duty won’t pass.
“Come hither, my flock!” I call with great pride,
But they’re scattered around, no need to abide.
“Yuri’s lost in pastries, Lena’s lost in thought,
Laika’s off chasing shadows, and Sasha, in sleep she is caught.”
Being a shepherd’s not quite what I planned—
Maybe I’ll sit down and just join this wild band.
So I leap in the fun, embrace the delight,
With Laika I dance, and we twirl through the night.
We scream and we play, a chaotic ballet,
A fox skulk united, come join in our sway!
We are noble foxes, of this there’s no doubt
I have nothing else to say, except Vlad out.
Friday Chat w/ Vlad - October 4, 2024
Hey, it’s Vlad. How is everyone today? To tell you the truth I’ve been better. Why is that you say. Ok, I’ll tell you. You see, occasionally us ambassadors will get together and challenge our intellect with some word games. Your undoubtedly thinking that just isn’t fair since I am by far the smartest one here. That is very true, although we always play with a partner to even things out. We pick names out of a hat to choose our teammate. If I get Lena I am very happy and am ok with Laika, but this time I picked Yuri. Now I’m not trying to be mean here but Yuri is not known for his intellect. It’s analogous to being in a relay foot race and getting a sloth 🦥 as your partner. If this were an eating contest Yuri would have been a great pick but not here.
We were playing an anagram game. A word/phrase is given and we need to rearrange the letters to make a new word/phrase that is relevant to the first phrase. For instance, if the phrase is “The Eyes”, I might say “They see”. The first time you miss one your team is out.
I was up first. My phrase was “eleven plus two” …so obviously I said “twelve plus one”. Next was the team of Lena and Laika, with Lena answering. She got the phrase “garbage man”. After some pondering she blurted out “bag manager”. Well done Lena. Then was Sergei and Sasha. Sergei’s phrase was “father in law”. We thought he was stumped but at the last moment said “near halfwit”. It was now back to my team and Yuri was up. I hoped it was an easy one so Yuri didn’t strain his brain, but that was not to be. He got “The United States Bureau of Fisheries”. I’m sure if Yuri didn’t have fur on his phase we would have seen the blood drain out from it. The answer was clear as day, but Yuri just didn’t see it. He made a few babbling noises but then time ran out and we were eliminated. I’m sure it’s readily apparent to everyone that the correct answer was “I Raise the Bass to Feed Us in the Future”
Vlad out.
Friday Chat w/ Vlad - September 20, 2024
Hey, it’s Vlad. Greetings my foxy fans. I’ll be doing something a bit “out of the box” for today’s chat. Have any of you ever watched the tv show “Undercover boss”? If not, it’s a show about CEOs of companies putting on a disguise and then going to local branches of their company pretending to be a new employee. This way they can get a better perspective of how the workforce feels about the company and how they treat the customers. So today I will be donning a coyote costume and going to see Agnes and Wilson. Should be interesting.
I’ve now made my way down to coyote canyon and am about to go into the enclosure. Here goes.
Hello, anyone home? Here comes Agnes. Hi stranger, can we help you? Yes, I’m a new coyote ambassador here, my name is Chad. Hi Chad, I’m Agnes but you can call me Aggie and over there is my sister, Willie. Aren’t you a bit short to be a Coyote Chad? No Aggie, size is really relative, I mean compared to a shrew I am quite tall…but I can assure you I’m a coyote. I was thinking compared to a coyote, Chad, but whatever. Great Aggie, now that we all agree I am indeed a coyote I would like to ask what it’s like working at JABCECC. Sure Chad, my sister and I love it. You see our mom died when we were just a few days old, and if not for the kindness of some wonderful humans we would have died as well. We grew up around people so when we got a bit older it was determined we could not go back to the wild because we likely would not live. We were sent to JABCECC where we live a comfortable and meaningful life educating people about how wonderful coyotes are. We teach people how to peaceful coexist with our kind and the dos and don’ts of living around coyotes. We love when people visit us cause it means we get more treats. Wow Aggie, that is a touching story. If I were everyone’s favorite ambassador and ran things around here, which of course I’m not and don’t, because I am new here, I would see to it that you got extra special treats for being so inspirational. I have to go now but is was great meeting you two. Ok, we will see you later Vlad….I mean Chad.
Vlad out.
Friday Chat w/ Vlad - September 6, 2024
Hey, it’s Vlad. Well, we are into September and the mercury shows no sign of abating. I invited Sakari to my chat today to see how she is coping with the heat. For those of you that don’t know, Sakari is an Arctic fox that came to us after being rescued from a fur farm. She spent years of her life in misery, confined to a tiny cage, seeing her babies taken away each year and slaughtered in the name of someone’s vanity. Since being at JABCECC she has blossomed and has learned what joy feels like. She has become less fearful and discovered she loves to play and have fun. A true testament to leaving your past behind you and enjoying what’s in front of you.
Hi Sakari, welcome to my chat. Hi Vlad, it’s an honor to be here. Yes, I know Sakari. I wanted to touch bases with you Sakari to hear about how you are coping with the heat. Thanks for your concern Vlad. It’s true that its hotter than a flaming jalapeño outside. Arctic foxes are superbly adapted to deal with cold weather. We have very small ears, thick coats, short legs and fuzzy feet. All these things enable us to tolerate temperatures down to -70 but they are not so good for handling high temperatures. Thankfully the kind folks at JABCECC set me up in an enclosure that helps me stay cool. My habitat is located in the shadiest part of the property. Of course by shady I mean lack of sun not dangerous. Although I do live with Freddy Snowball now, who can be a pretty shady character. He tries to jump on you for no particular reason. Thankfully I don’t think he is all that bright cause I just step out of the way. I also have misters in my enclosure which Freddy, dork that he is, seems to be afraid of.
I’m glad to hear you’re set up to deal with the heat Sakari, and don’t you worry, in a few more months it will be much cooler. I look forward to it Vlad, and I will be ready with my white winter coat. I’m sure you will Sakari.
Vlad out.
Friday Chat w/ Vlad - August 23, 2024
Hey, it’s Vlad. How’s it going my intrepid Vladiators? When I was thinking about this weeks chat it was brought to my attention that I have not used this precious time to answer fan mail in quite some time, so that is exactly what I am going to do.
My first letter comes from Vionette Fontenot of Port Fourchon Louisiana. She writes “ Bonjou Vlad mon ami. I must tell you sir you are my hero. Here in Cajun country we life with a certain joie de vivre or joy of life. Vlad, you are the living embodiment of this attitude. How bout you come down bayou to spread your joy and sample some local cuisine. Some crawdads, jambalaya and Gumbo be just what you need my friend.”
Thank you Vionette for you generous offer. The canids here at JABCECC are on a specific diet approved by our veterinarians. I will check, but if memory serves me, crawdads, jambalaya and/or gumbo are not included in our diet. I can however consult with our resident gastronome, Yuri, and see if he is interested. If so, we will get him on the first swamp boat down.
Our next letter comes from Pete from Turtle Wisconsin. “Hi Vlad, I am the head of the political action committee, Vulpine lovers for Change. As you undoubtedly know, the US is in the middle of the election season. We would like to know if you have ever considered running for president. We believe the US is ready to elect a fox. Your cleverness, compassion, independent spirit and bushy tails are just what we need right now. Vulpine lovers has amassed a war chest of 832 dollars and 47 cents, three 50% off coupons to Pinkberry and a Spongebob NFT. Say the word Vlad and it’s all yours.”
Hi Pete, Thank you for support. My platform is treat all creatures big and small with respect, a rodent in every pot and there is no try only do. I stole the last one from Yoda but it’s something I live by. Unfortunately the constitution says presidents must be born in the US and I was not. I will just have to aspire to higher things.
Vlad out.
Friday Chat w/ Vlad - August 9, 2024
Hey, it’s Vlad. As many of you probably are aware, the olympics are in full swing, which got me thinking…why can’t foxes be in the olympics?? I mean foxes are insanely athletic. Just as a comparison, the fastest human to ever live Usain Bolt, has a top speed of just over 27 mph. Your average red fox can run a least 30 mph. We would be unbeatable. I checked the olympic committee rule book and nothing in there specifically said competitors could not be a fox. This may be an over site on their part, but I think we can ride that loophole all the way to Olympic glory. As further proof that this is meant to be, the next summer olympics are in Los Angeles. This location would be very accessible for us. So I feel comfortable making it official, the foxes of JABCECC will be trying out for the 2028 Olympic games.
There will be a few new sports at the 28 games. These are reported to be squash, flag football, baseball, cricket and lacrosse. Here’s few more that would really play to our strengths. Yuri for instance, would be an instant favorite to take gold in a competitive eating competition. A few month back when we were watching the Nathan’s hotdog eating contest and Sergei asked him if he thought he could do that, Yuri just said “hold my bearclaw” and downed a bunch of franks left over from our last training session. I have oh so many talents but I truly excel at chewing on rolled up firehoses. I can’t image another athlete exists that could best me in this competition. Of course all of us would likely medal in a find a mouse under three feet of snow competition. I can just imagine the other athletes from around the world, noses pressed firmly against the snow, with nary a clue as to the location of the elusive little rodent, while team USA, puts points on the scoreboard using our keen sense of hearing and smell in addition to our secret weapon…finding hidden object using the earths magnetic field. It will truly be a glorious day for the USA as well as foxes everywhere seeing us on the medal stand, sweeping the competition, gold, silver and bronze. Of course we all know who will be at the top of the stand.
Vlad Out
Friday Chat w/ Vlad - July 12, 2024
Hey, it’s Vlad. I gotta tell you, it’s been like Africa hot here. While Shaka, Zuri and Nala, our African black backed jackals might not mind the heat, us foxes don’t care for it much. Red foxes are quite adaptable and can actually live in the deserts of the Arabian peninsula, but us ambassadors are a different subspecies that prefers it much cooler. Of course Arctic foxes really like it cold. For these reasons management takes special precautions when it gets this hot, such as putting out ice blocks and turning misters on. The Arctic fox villa is equipped with an underground shelter to help keep Freddy and Sakari extra cool.
To make sure everyone here knows how to avoid overheating, I called a staff meeting to go over some important points. I had Laika post a memo letting the others know about the meeting. It said “ Summer’s here and the mercury is rising, which means we all need to think about ways to stay cool. We will have a meeting at 9:45 to discuss. A *T *T *E *N *D *A *N *C *E
R* E *Q* U *I*R* E*D”.
I arrived at our meeting spot at about 9:30 to put out a little spread. Soon after the others started trickling in. Of course several participants were late and it wasn’t until 9:58 that we took attendance. We were just ready to start discussing ways to stay cool when out of the blue Yuri started to dance around the enclosure. Everyone was in a bit of shock over his display and at first we were not sure whether or not it was a medical emergency. After watching him shimmy around for a bit I finally intervened and said Yuri, what in blue blazes are you doing? He stopped his gyrations and said “just what you told me to do in your memo”. Still confused I said “what are you talking about”? Yuri said “read your memo, it’s says at ten dance required”. That Yuri, gotta love him.
Vlad out.
Friday Chat w/ Vlad - June 28, 2024
Hey, it’s Vlad. There is a lot happening at the center right at the moment. It appears that we have entered build mode again as land is being cleared, concrete is being poured and fencing is being put up. Historically this has meant we have new rescues coming in, but no one has told me anything. Frankly this does not surprise me as this type of irresponsible behavior from management has occurred in the past. Clearly I should play a key role in the planning for new residents but so be it, sooner or later they will come to me for assistance. Of course by the time they do there will be countless problems to solve that could have been avoided had they just included their cleverest resident from the get go.
I do know that the Arctic fox villa is almost complete and Freddy and Sakari will be moving in together. What I do not know is what will become of there current habitat. I would vote for turning it in to an all night walk up deli. You never know when you might get the late night munchies and really could go for a pimento loaf sandwich. I’m sure no one will listen to me. My guess is there are some new rescues in there lickety split. Which of course just means more headaches for me and of course no pimento loaf sandwich. I ask for so little yet give so much.