Hey, It's Vlad. My chat today is going to be somewhat of a tutorial, teaching all my devoted fans an immensely valuable life skill. This ability is something that I have worked on my entire existence to master. I'm talking about a skill so powerful, so elegant, so utterly passive aggressive, it should probably be regulated. Of course the talent I'm referring to is the art of giving the perfect side eye.
Truthfully, rarely does a day go by where I don't feel the need to deploy this psychological weapon. I mean just the other day I was laying on my bed watching visitors walk by when I heard one of them say "did that fox just give me a side eye?" The others in the group thought that was absurd but yes, yes I did, and no, I was not impressed with their "what does the fox say t-shirt". Curse that song.
While giving the perfect side eye can take years of instruction and practice in order to attain expert proficiency, I will sum it up by saying always remember the three "L"s. Look, Linger, Lighting. Before I explain these let me just say when you can't match my perfection don't get discouraged, l've studied under some of the masters. Like cashiers at Trader Joe's when you tell them you've forgotten your reusable bags. The Baristas at Starbucks when they feel your complicated order is a bit too draconian. And lastly cats...nature's virtuosos at letting you know you're not living up to their expectations.
The Look. As the name suggests let your eyes do the talking. That's not to say a pursing of the lips or a raised eyebrow..if you have lips and/or eyebrows, can't add seasoning, but they are supporting actors.
It's as though trying to process what you just saw or heard, has momentarily paralyzed 80% of the muscles from the neck up. A glance to the side is all you can muster to lay eyes upon the offender.
And lastly, absolutely no wagging your tail. You are here to pass judgment, not make friends.
Linger. Timing is important. Too short and the offender might think your look of haughty derision was just an accident. Too long and you start to look creepy. Three Mississippis are generally enough.
With practice you will
be able to tell when your message has been conveyed and the side eye receiver begins to question their life choices.
Lighting.
Backlighting or overhead light are usually best.
Avoid the sun in your eyes as this will make you squint and ruin the moment. If you really want to create an event that truly shows off your emotional complexity, aim for what photographers call the "golden hour" Always remember, with great power comes great responsibility. You want to make sure an event is side eye worthy. If someone is just having a rough time, dont unpack this weapon, lend a hand.
But if you're
dehydrated, late for an appointment, and making a desperate run to the store for a beverage to avoid your urine attaining the consistency of toothpaste, only to have someone race past you into the 10 items-or-less line with 42 items...
...Then ask for a pack of Marlboros (which are out), ... debate between Lucky Strikes and Winstons, ...swipe three cards, all declined, ...and finally write a check, which they sign like they're composing a symphony... A hearty side eye would certainly be warranted...and by the way, congratulations for not having an aneurysm on the spot. But truthfully this example may have blown past the type of transgressions side eye is designed to address, which means we now find ourselves in stink eye territory... but we will need to discuss that in a future chat.
Vlad out.